i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize