Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
