so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
