yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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