I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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