My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
