can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
