based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
