If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
