Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
