I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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