just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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