At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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