If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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