He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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