It's Friday. Sex?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
