My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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