I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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