She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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