I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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