Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
