whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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