Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
