smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
