My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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