my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
