The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
