i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
