I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
only you would photoshop your dick
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
