I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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