then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
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