I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
