I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
