I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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