Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize