i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
