i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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