you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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