Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
