I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
