i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
