you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
