I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
farters have to be the big spoon...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
