I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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