She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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