I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
