Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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