did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
