yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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