our cab driver is having phone sex.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
