do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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