do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
