Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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