Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
