Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
