I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
