You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
