I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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