I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
