That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
