Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
